Pretty Boy Read online

  “So? I felt like saying she has a great damn body.”

  “Yeah, I guess she’s alright,” Lewis nodded.

  “I would stalk the hell outta her,” Mike mumbled, his expression somewhat eerie.

  Lewis immediately turns to Mike after hearing his creepy confession. “What was that?”

  Vinny cuts in. “First of all, Beyonce had a much better body before she lost all that weight. Second, who the hell cares about Beyonce? She lost all of her hot chick points when she married that bubble-lipped bastard Jay-Z.”

  “Why you hating on Jay-Z now?” Lewis asked.

  “’Cause I don’t like his ass,” Vinny came back. “First he steals Beyonce, then he becomes a music mogul…And is it me, or does it bother anyone else that in every song that fool does, to this day, he still calls himself “Young”? “It’s your boy, Young”. Isn’t that mothafucka forty-something-years old? What the hell’s so young about that?”

  It is at this point when the guys spot Jovon as he enters the lounge. Jovon casually makes his way over to his friends. Along the way to their table, he’s stopped by several ladies on several different occasions. After a few minutes of delay, Jovon finally manages to reach his friends.

  “Teach me, you bastard!” Vinny playfully said, laughing. “How the hell do you do that? How do you walk into a room of complete strangers and still manage to have women throwing their panties at you?”

  Jovon throws his black leather jacket over the back of his chair. “It’s all about swag, Vin…All about swag.”

  “What the fuck you mean swag? You mean if I come in here switching like a broad I’d get some female attention, too?”

  Mike and Lewis begin laughing.

  “No, no, no…You got it wrong, Vin. Swag ain’t about the way you walk…It’s about how you walk. If you come in here moping, all hunched over and shit, then you’re gonna be just another face in the room. But if you come in here with your chin up high, not paying attention to nobody, especially the women, and act like you own the place, then you’re not just another face in the room…You’re THE face in the room.”

  “Bullshit,” Vinny scoffed, sipping his drink.

  “You’d better listen to him, man,” Lewis cut in. “He tried to teach me the ways of a pretty boy, but I was stubborn and didn’t listen. Now every night I’m stuck choosing between satisfying myself or getting an ugly bitch to do it for me.”

  “Wow,” Mike said, picking up his beer. “I thought my life was sad.”

  “Yeah, I know,” Lewis agreed, staring at his glass of Jack Daniels before picking it up. “My life sucks ass.” Lewis quickly turns to Jovon. “Give me a second chance, J. Don’t make me beg, man. I promise I’ll listen this time.”

  “I can’t help you right now, Lew. I can only dedicate my time to one person. You have to wait until I get Vinny through the program.”

  “Fuck Vinny!” Lewis exclaimed, causing Jovon to laugh.

  “OH!” Vinny responded. “I’m sitting right here and this is how you talk about me? I tell you, no respect for the family of fallen mafia members.”

  “Don’t get me started on that mafia shit again, Vinny Valentino,” said Lewis. “Who the hell in the mafia had the last name of Valentino?”

  “I already told you, my father was a top ranking member of the Gambino family. He was also a rolling stone who had a thing for the sisters. So you can kill that shit.” Vinny turned to Jovon. “When are we gonna get started, J?”

  “We can get started now,” Jovon answered. “Pick a female in here you wanna talk to and I’ll coach you through it.”

  Vinny scopes out the club, searching for the first female that catches his eye. After glancing over the room thoroughly, he finally points to a female in a sexy red dress.

  “Okay. What about her?” Vinny points to the woman in red.

  Jovon studies the woman for a split second and replies, “Nope. Pick someone else.”

  “Why? What’s wrong with her?” Vinny questioned.

  “She’s no good.”

  “What?” Vinny said, taken aback. “Are you fucking kidding me? She’s gorgeous.”

  “Yeah, J, she’s straight,” Lewis concurred.

  “I’d do her,” Mike added, leering at the woman in red.

  Jovon glances at Mike. “Mike, you’d do a hole in the wall if nobody was watching.” Jovon turns back to Lewis and Vinny. “Now I know where y’all are coming from. At first sight I could’ve been fooled, too, but once you pay close attention to her, she’s covered in flaws.”

  “Like what?” Lewis asked, curious.

  “Okay…For one, she’s wearing a red dress with hot pink shoes. I guess she thought no one would notice under dim lights. Second, she’s been sitting at that bar by herself for the last ten minutes drinking a Long Island Iced Tea. Now that’s a pretty powerful drink once it kicks in. This leads me to believe she’s not here alone, but no man would leave his woman alone in a spot like this for more than three minutes, let alone ten. Which means she’s more than likely here with her girlfriends, but since women are known to travel in packs, why is it she’s by herself?”

  “Shit, I don’t know…Maybe they’re in the john,” Vinny suggested.

  “No, man,” Jovon grinned. “With women, when one has to go to the restroom, they all go. So since she’s at the bar by herself drinking the very potent Long Island Iced Tea, this leads me to believe that she’s the odd man out. She’s here with friends who have dates of their own. Friends, who are so concerned with their friend that they didn’t want her to be home alone, but still couldn’t manage to find the group’s charity case a date. Which means plain and simple, she’s un-dateable.”

  “Get the fuck outta here!” Vinny burst out laughing. “There’s no way you could know all of that for sure.”

  “Oh, yeah? Go talk to her then.”

  Vinny’s laughter settles. “I’ll do it. I’m serious.”

  “Go ahead,” Jovon answered.

  Vinny gets up and walks over to the lady in red. Once he reaches her, he takes a seat on the stool beside her and sparks up a conversation. Meanwhile, back over at the guy’s table, talk of what Vinny’s doing remains the primary discussion.

  “Nervous, J?” Lewis asked.

  “Why would I be nervous?”

  “I think I probably would fuck a hole in the wall,” Mike mumbled to himself before sipping his beer. “Especially if I thought I could get away with it.”

  Lewis continues talking with Jovon. “Because if you’re wrong that would put a blemish on your perfect record of knowledge.”

  Jovon smiles confidently. “You think I’m wrong, Lew?”

  Lewis pauses momentarily, realizing that it was his doubt in Jovon’s capabilities that cost him chance to be Jovon’s understudy. He subtly tries to clean up his statement. “No, I’m not saying that all that…You just laid it on pretty thick this time.”

  Jovon leaned back in his chair, arms folded across his chest. “See, that’s what got yo’ ass kicked outta the program last time…Always questioning my shit. But we’ll see if I’m wrong or not when Vinny gets back.” Jovon directs his attention to the waitress working their area. “Excuse me, Miss. Can I have a glass of Ciroc, please? No ice.”

  Without looking at who placed the order, the waitress writes down the order first and then looks up to put a face with the drink. When she catches a glimpse of Jovon, the young woman begins smiling uncontrollably. She quickly walks to the bar to place Jovon’s order, maintaining her smile the entire time. As the waitress walks back from the bar, she passes by Vinny, who is now re-approaching their table.

  Beaming vibrantly, Jovon asks Vinny, “So how did it go? Did you get the number?”

  “No,” Vinny answered solemnly, retaking his chair. “No, I didn’t.” Vinny proceeds to take a big gulp of his drink.

  “What happened, Vin?” Lewis asked.

  Still grinning, Jovon also asks, “Yeah, Vin, what happened?”

  “Well, when I firs
t went over there I was just saying little things to get a conversation going. After a few minutes, I started thinking, Jovon is wrong about her. She’s smart and she seems capable of holding a good conversation. So I took a bold risk and asked her if she wanted to leave with me. She told me yes”—Vinny finishes the rest of his drink with another big gulp—“but first she would have to let her friends know she was leaving. That was the first red light.”

  “And the second red light was?” asked Jovon in a hubris manner.

  Vinny takes a deep breath before continuing. “Once she said that, I decided that I’d just get her number and maybe call her when I was bored or horny…Whichever came first. But when she leaned in to me to give me her number, I swear, her breath smelled like a construction site porta potty. It literally smelled like somebody put a few tablespoons of shit in her mouthwash and failed to tell her about it, ‘cause from the way baby girl was in my face, she must’ve thought her shit was minty fresh.”

  Jovon, Lewis and Mike concurrently erupt in laughter.

  “I told you,” said Jovon, sipping his drink. “Un-dateable.”

  “My man J got skill,” said Lewis, nudging Jovon’s shoulder.

  Vinny raises his glass to the waitress, signaling he’s ready for a refill. “Okay, Jovon. Who do you recommend I step to?”

  Jovon looked around the lounge, rubbing his chin. His vision ultimately settles on another very attractive woman sitting at a table with two of her friends. “You see the chick over there in black with the long, reddish-black hair?”

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s all you, man,” Jovon told Vinny, sipping his Ciroc.

  “You’re kidding, right?” Vinny replied, looking at Jovon with a confused expression.

  “What’s wrong with her?” Jovon asked. “Don’t tell me she’s not fine enough for you.”

  “Hell yeah she’s fine, but a little too fine for me. She probably won’t even let me buy her a drink.”

  “Yeah, J,” Lewis agreed. “In all seriousness, Vinny ain’t good looking enough to go over there and pull that off.”

  Vinny retorts, “Hey, fuck you, Lew.”

  “What? No disrespect intended, Vin. But you know you’d be outta your league fucking with her. Shit I would be, too. Compared to this pretty motherfucker over here, (referring to Jovon) ain’t nobody at this table good looking enough to talk to her.”

  “What I tell you earlier?” Jovon said to his friends. “It’s all about swag. All you gotta do is walk over there like you own the place, without being too arrogant mind you, and that’ll make her want to know more about you automatically.”

  “Okay, but why can’t we pick someone a little more on my level, J?”

  “You mean less attractive?”

  “Yeah,” Vinny responded plainly.

  “Only men who need to boost their confidence waste time on less attractive women. Men who are confident about their shit go for the baddest bitches in the room. Women love confidence and there’s nothing more confident than a man who steps to a dime piece without the slightest bit of hesitation.”

  “You might have something there,” Vinny contemplated.

  Lewis takes a notepad out of his suit jacket and begins jotting down Jovon’s every word.

  Noticing Lewis’ actions, Mike asks, “What the hell you doing, Lew?”

  “I’m taking notes, okay? Now mind yo’ damn business.”

  Staring at the woman in black, Vinny clarifies, “So I go over there and talk to her. What am I supposed to say?”

  “No compliments,” Jovon told him.

  “No compliments?”

  Jovon explains, “A woman like that hears compliments all the time. Especially in a place like this. So she more than likely has her guard up high to filter out the bullshit she’s use to hearing.”

  “Okay. So what do I say then?” Vinny pondered.

  “Simply go over there and sympathize with her.”

  Vinny developed a baffled look. “Sympathize? How?”

  Lewis continues taking notes with a keen ear.

  Jovon answers, “Be like, so how many of these thirsty men have you had to fight off so far? She’ll respond to that, trust me. Then ask her what are some of the cheesiest lines she’s either heard tonight or on other occasions. Once she tells you that, find out more about her personally…Like her name, age, high school she went to and find out what she does for a living.”

  Vinny nods as he takes in Jovon’s instructions. “Okay, but when do I ask for her number?”

  “Not until the very end of your conversation, and for a lady like that, I’m gonna say the conversation shouldn’t last no more than twenty minutes. But don’t you time the conversation…She’ll consider that being rude. I’ll let you know when it’s time to wrap it up. The most important thing you need to do is play it cool. Don’t let her think for one minute that you’re interested in her. Make her feel like she’s someone you’re just having a pleasant conversation with. If she gets the slightest idea that you’re interested in her she’s gonna look at you like another cheesy-ass come-on artist. After I give you the signal to wrap it up, politely tell her you have to go and that you’ve enjoyed talking to her. Then you walk off.”

  “Walk off?” Vinny repeated, furrowing his brow. “Without getting her number? What the hell am I doing all this for then?”

  Jovon laughed lightly, sitting his half-filled glass on the table. “Let me finish, Vin. Alright, after you walk off, take about four or five steps, stop, turn back to her and tell her that you’re not trying to be too forward, but you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself if you let an interesting conversationalist like herself pass you by. Then give her your phone number and ask her to call you whenever she has some free time. Then you walk off for good.”

  “Wait, I’m giving her my number?” Vinny clarified. “Doesn’t that give her control?”

  “It’s a new day, Vin,” Jovon explained. “It’s cool for women to have a little control. Besides, giving her your number will show her that you have nothing to hide and it’ll enable her to call you whenever she feels like it, that way she won’t feel rushed.”

  Vinny grins. “You are one slick son of a bitch, J”

  “I know,” said Jovon, picking his drink back up and taking another sip.

  “I’m not kidding,” said Vinny. “If I were gay, I’d totally be in to you. Hell, I’m as straight as they come and you’re still turning me on a little right now,” he joked. “That’s incredible.”

  “What can I say,” Jovon stated. “It’s a gift.”

  “Alright,” said Vinny, pausing to take a quick taste from his fresh drink. “I’m about to do it. I’m gonna go talk to her. Wish me luck.”

  “You won’t need it,” Jovon assured him. “Just do everything I told you to do and that chick won’t stand a chance.”

  Vinny stands up and begins sauntering towards the lady in black. Jovon, Lewis and Mike watch with a close eye as their friend closes the gap between himself and the unsuspecting woman.

  The three watch Vinny as he introduces himself to the woman in black. It’s obvious that she’s initially not interested in what he has to say, but Vinny remains persistent. Within seconds, she gives him a charmed smile, which signifies Jovon’s plan for engagement is working. Vinny takes a seat beside the woman and the two partake in an apparently interesting conversation. Shortly after, the other women that accompanied the lady in black leave the table, allowing their friend and Vinny to have some alone time.

  Lewis quickly addresses Jovon after witnessing his work in action. “Yo, J, I missed some parts of what you were saying”—he said, setting his notepad on the table. “Could you run that shit about sympathizing with a bitch back to me?”

  The waitress brings another drink over to Jovon and sets it directly in front of him.

  Jovon eyes the drink before looking up at the waitress. “Excuse me, sweetheart, but I didn’t order this drink.”

  “It was sent to you by that young
lady over there.” The waitress points to the bar.

  Jovon trains his eyes in the same direction as the waitress’ finger and observes a fairly heavyset woman waving at him, smiling. It’s Ebony Brooks, the young woman from Jovon’s gym.

  Chapter 4

  In a disgusted tone, Jovon mutters, “Shit. That’s a big girl.”

  “Big boned women need love too, J,” said Lewis.

  Jovon turns to Lewis. “That may be true, but you never holla at a female who is below your standards. That’s a very crucial rule in the life of a playboy…Remember that.”